Napkin Thoughts

--- By Jenni Brown http://www.jennibrownwrites.com/2009/04/napkin-thoughts/

April 22

In my room I have a file. And in this file I have all sorts of “Scraps of Ideas.” They are napkins, receipts, bulletins, cards, or anything flat enough to write on when inspiration hits. I like to think of this file as the “harvesting ground” for my ideas. Inspiration comes to me in the form of little seeds. Inside the file, they grow and ripen into robust thoughts, so they can be plucked from the “Idea Tree” file and written down.

Earlier this week I was looking through the file for some places to go with this next post. I pulled out a scrap of napkin that had blue ink scribbled front and back. This napkin spelled out sudden clarity about my plans vs. Gods plans. In that moment, I clearly was understanding that:

1) I don’t always know best.
2) Sometimes uncomfortable change is good.
3) If you demand life only on your own terms, often times you will miss the point
4) God’s master plan in this whole life is to be an epic storyteller.


Not A Know-It-All

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that we don’t always know everything. The idea that you will always understand everything, and that you are never wrong is one of those thoughts that if you say it out loud, you sound selfish, conceited, delusional, etc, etc. HOWEVER, that doesn’t stop the deepest parts of us from trying to control it all anyway. We make calculations, speculations, collaborations, and even manipulations to try to make things go the way we think is right. Why do we do it? None of us really know – or I’m sure the answer is too philosophical to easily explain. But anytime you get a good dose of reality and realize that you don’t always know everything, and cannot control everything – it’s still a kick in the pants.


I’m Fine with Change, as Long as it Doesn’t Mess Up My Routine

I’ve said this before, but there is tiny Suzy-Home-Maker and a tiny Gypsy that live in my soul. And they are constantly at war. What I want for my life really depends who is winning the war at that moment in time.

The Gypsy wants to get tattoos, work at a bar, pursue writing and creativity, wear flowing skirts, travel the world, and loves constant change. The Home-Maker doesn’t love change. She realizes that moving might seem like a fun idea, but she hates unpacking boxes after a move. Tattoos seem hip and trendy, but corporate jobs don’t always want to line you up for a promotion if you have artwork from your neck to your knees. Moving overseas sounds great and adventurous, but often asks the more practical questions (what are we going to do for money, and what are you going to do when you come home?)

However, there are moments when the Gypsy is right. Where drastic change happens, the Gypsy rejoices and the Home-Maker throws a fit. It is uncomfortable, painful, and usually involves getting dirty in some physical or metaphorical kind of way. But if given enough time and perspective, and the Home-Maker is usually calling a truce and telling the Gypsy her favorite words “You are right, that change was much needed.”


Don’t Miss the Point!

When I lived in Thailand, I remember waking up one morning in a panic. I had a vivid dream, where one of my childhood friends was getting married. In preparations for her wedding, I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off, getting flowers, arranging people, coordinating the speakers and microphones, making sure the other bridesmaids were ready… In the midst of my planning panic, my friend came to me dressed in her wedding gown. I was covered in dirt and sweaty from the day’s work. She said, “Jenni, we’re ready to start. Why aren’t you dressed?” It was clear by the look on her face that my job for that day (as her maid of honor), was just to be ready with her. To be dressed, and excited, and prepared to accompany her down the aisle. And even though everything I was doing was good things, when it came down to it, I had missed the point of my job as her bridesmaid.

I walked around the rest of that week with these words burned into my mind, “Don’t be so busy that you miss the entire point…don’t miss it Jenni, don’t miss it.”

It was a wake-up call and a reminder that even though I had 100 students, and more than a million things to do, that wasn’t the entire reason I was there. I needed to love my kids. I needed to laugh with them, and play with them, and hug them and love them. That was the lasting part that would remain far after I was gone – not the fact that we implemented a health check system into the daily pre-school curriculum.

Even though I have been home now for a few years, I find that dream resounds true in so many other areas. If you demand life on your own terms, you miss the point. If you plan everything to death, you miss out. If you don’t learn to let go, relax, open your eyes and see the beauty in your current chaos, you could lose the most beautiful gifts that right under your nose.


The Epic Story Teller.

Last week after receiving an email from a prospective job opportunity indicating that they were going with someone else, I had a brand new thought when it came to my job search – “Is there something wrong with me?” Upon thinking this I knew I was breaking the carnal rule of job searching – it is NEVER personal. Jobs and business are all about matching my skills and experience with a company in order to maximize profitability and efficiency. It’s never about my identity as a person. But I went there, and I knew I was down a headlong rabbit hole that might be hard to get out of. Almost a week and a half later, I know that those thoughts don’t necessarily ring true, but I’m still struggling to get out.

I realize I have stopped hoping. I have begun to think that maybe there is something wrong with me. That maybe I will never get a job. That maybe I’m not cut out for my calling in life (Is that not the most morbidly depressing thought you’ve ever heard!?)

In a way, I’m angry with God. “God, why hasn’t this happened yet? Why do I keep praying and going on all of these interviews, and yet I’m still without work? How come you haven’t made something work out yet? This isn’t the way that I want it!”

And here is where my own past-thoughts come to kick me in the ass. Napkin thoughts are spelling it out for me that God is an Epic storyteller. Think Lord of the Rings plot line vs. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen take on San Francisco (straight to DVD).

And there is good news with God’s epic story. We know how it ends: God wins. And we are on his team. So…why is it that my current state seems so devastating? Oh right, because that is happening right now, and we don’t know what happens next.

But in the face of all of this, I know I have to hold onto the words on my napkin. That maybe God is doing more than what I am seeing right now with my eyes. That maybe these six months is going to be very important to me when I look back in a few years from now. That I still get an opportunity to be involved with something epic and majestic, even if it doesn’t look or sound like it at the moment. That yes, even though I still can’t say it with conviction, I will get a job that I love. Yes, I am talented and some employer will be lucky to have me.

And yes, things will be uncomfortable along the way. We will lose jobs, go broke, get in car accidents, have children with diseases, have our parents die, and possibly get divorces. That’s just life. That part doesn’t change. That’s part of the epic storyline.

But I’m convinced the ending is majestic. God wins. I’m convinced that we don’t feel jipped when it is all said and done. I’m convinced that we realize it was a beautiful story – and we’re glad that we got to play a part.

That’s a lot of ass kicking for one little napkin – four bullet points that have sufficiently changed my perspective down here in the rabbit hole. I have a hard time believing that I ever saw this clearly in the first place. It’s a pretty good thing I wrote it down. Doesn’t necessarily mean it gets any easier to climb out of here – I suppose it just gives me a reason to start picking myself up and keep on moving forward.